fack.

I was down to 101.2
then up to 101.4
now im at 102
I was doing so fucking good
but i let myself slip for a few days
tonight i start over
after this mini pizza binge i had with Boyfriend.
NOMORE.
drinking water to get this shit outttttta my system
and tmrrw i'll have nothing
i dont have any set plans either.
oh!and today i wouldve done good if i wouldnt have had that pizza
i only had cereal
and i felt like fainting when we were n line for jimmy kimmel

jshdjashd i feel so gross!
cant even bother with apostrophes or spelling or pncuation!!#

goodnight.
xo

There is No Tomorrow

101.4 this morning.
I probably--no, definitely would've been lower this morning if I wouldn't had had that cookie and pack of gummy bugs and special k bar and pretzels with cheese pack right before bed. Yeah, what a binge. But it seemed like it after i finished and saw all the goddamn wrappers on my bed. And I didn't even really go to bed until about 4am since it's so hard for me to fall asleep alone nowadays. Ugh, I'm rambling, pardon me.

I have work from 230pm to 11pm and I think I'm going to die. I might not be so bad though because my friend Jeanette is working with me until 9pm so I'm crossing my fingers that that time will fly by. I'm just dreading the questions about sales that I don't know the answers to, the use of large amounts of cash since I hate giving change, the "Wait, that price doesn't look right...", the customers who won't say thank you, the rushes of people after a dead half an hour, the checking of my drawer to make sure I gave the right changed, ugh just everything. I already want to go home and still sitting in bed.

Me and Boyfriend were reading about the abortion pill. Don't know why I feel the need to speak of this, its just amazing how sure we are already and I haven't even missed my period yet. Like, I'm either 100% sure that I am and then in the same breath 100% sure I'm not. I'm both extremes. And I'm trying really hard to keep out of my mind the fact that I may be destroying a human life... Whatever, I can't have a kid right now. I'm a baby myself.



xo

Dress Me, I'm Your Mannequin

Doing better.
I'm seeing ribs.
Finally bought a scale, I'm 101.7 this morning.
My mom brought me a cupcake and french fries in the morning, fucking shit?
Whatevz, it'll keep my metabolism up since that's all I'm eating today.

I'm getting a new car soon, yippee! I love how my parents don't know how to raise me, HAHA. Did we not just get into the hugst fight where I literally wanted to stab both of them in their sleep? And now they're saying sorry for being bitches by buying me a new car? Sweet, I'll take it.

Nothing beats watching Mean Girls in the morning. Gawddd, I love this weather. I'm rather pleasant this morn. Had a cute night with Boyfriend yesterday despite us waiting for my period to start. Yeah, I'm most likely pregs:/ but we both decided what we'd do if (when) we find out. "I'm calling to procure a hasty abortion ?" Yeahh.. sorry. There's just no way I could have a baby right now. No fucking way. I'm not ready to grow up.

Time to decorate the tree, then clean my room (I actually feel like it, weird.), then shower time. Go have a look at my tumblr.



xox

Epic Sundaze

The past few days have been the highest extremes of my life.

On Thursday I told my mom i was spending the night at my friend Yolanda's house but I really went to Boyfriend's. At 2:30am I get a phone call from my mom and I don't answer it. She leaves a voice mail telling me to call her back. I don't answer. She texts me telling me to call he back. I don't. She sens another text saying it's an emergency that I call so I'm thinking something happened to my dad since he works at night or my sister had to go to the hospital again. So I call her, knowing that if something did happen nd I didn't call that I'd feel like shit. Wrong. She drove by Yolanda's house and saw that my car wasn't there and demanded I tell her where I was and eventually I cracked and told her. She blew up, telling me I was going to get pregnant and that Andrew's dad is irresponsible for letting us sleep together and that she'd never accept Andrew. What the fuck, seriously? She didn't even catch us doing anything! She caught my sister, who's two years younger I might add, with her shirt on backwards after going to her boyfriend's house and did she get yelled at like I did? Did my mom say she'd never accept her boyfriend? No! My parents had a 12 minute talk about how they see each other too much and then let them run off to "hang out" like they always did. Bullshit. I'm 18. I can run off with whoever I want and it's perfectly legal.
Ugh. Anyway, so I when I got home I was prepared to yell back and fight my mom BUT she didn't even come talk to me when I got home. Or the next morning before work. Or after work. But after work I did find a nice little note on my bed from her. Yeah, a note. Oh hi, my mom's in seventh grade again? Yeah, it was all bullshit about how I hardly know Andrew and I'm his "SEX OBJECT" (yes, she really said those exact words) and how she feels guilty that she never gave me morals or some shit like that. I couldn't tell if i was pissed off at the letter, humored, or disgusted. Seriously, it was the most pointless shit I've ever read.
The next day I had competition for a cheer team I was filling in on and my sister was competing too. My mom didn't attend. This was the first competition she missed in 8 years. I came home and she wasn't as mad. Her and my dad tried to have a talk with me but it was pointless because they were wrong and I was wrong and theyre stupid and I'm smart. But I didn't want to get into a huge fight with them because I had plans that night that involved me staying out at my friend Mel's house and I wasn't sure if they'd believe me or not even though I really was staying there.
They ended up letting me go since they felt bad and that's just how they are. Get pissed at me, make me feel terrible for no reason, then let m do whatever I want once they see me upset. I know how to work them.
So I went to a rave with my best friends Mel and Heather and it was Mel's first one and first time rolling. She LOVED it to say the least and we had a really good time This guy we kind of went with took us to this other guy's apartment after and he offered me K. I sniffed it. It was weird. I couldn't talk, whatever. So the next day I went home and blah blah I told Andrew that what I tried and he was NOT happy. At first he seemed like he didn't care then he exploded. Telling me that he knew this would happen, if he knew from the beginning that i was that type of girl he never would've gone out with me, he never wanted to see me again, la la la shit. So i drove to his house and told him to come outside but that whole visit was a waste and I left in tears and couldn't/didn't want to breathe. I got home, cut myself really bad, drank a load of nyquil, and went to bed.
At about 1:30am he calls me telling me to go online, I ask why, "I have a question.", so I go on. I saw that he had texted me like 50 times and emailed me AND messaged me on myspace. Turns out he wanted to know what the scars were on my hips. I told him one night when he was drunk that i had cut myself and I thought he'd remember. Apparently he didn't and now he was finding out after he had been a fucking jerk ass to me and he felt really bad. He said he didn't want me to do that and that he needed to help me and if I'd please take him back. Of course I did, I love him, I always will, and I knew he never really wanted to leave me. Then when he found out i cut after i got home he went crazy again and called me psycho and that he could never look at me again knowing he caused me to do that. I knew he didn't mean it, I knew he didn't want this to end. But he said "Bye forever" and signed off. Then he texted me. And he kept texting me! So i finally asked, "Why can't you stop texting me?" "I can if you want, just say the word." "Of course I don't want you to." and from there we made up for the last time and we're both on our roads to recovery: mine for cutting, his for holding in every emotion.
We both grew stronger individually and as a couple from this ordeal and we're both really glad it happened. He's already looked up websites on how I can deal with my emotions instead of inflicting pain on myself. He reminds me to remind myself that I'm beautiful and special and don't deserve to be hurt like that. I truly love this boy from the bottom of my heart and I feel so blessed (If I believed in god?) to have someone like him in my life. He makes me feel so loved and so complete and so safe.
xox

Stop By, Dedicate to Me

Unsuspected fast? Pretty much. Waking up late REALLY helps me get away with not eating. Plus the fact that my mom was gone by the time i actually did wake up.

It's about 2:30 in the afternoon and I've had one mug of water. Go me!
My friend is about to come over and my tummy's rumbling, okay it's stopping now, maybe I wont have to eat a piece of toast or something. Ahh, the sweet tightening in my abdomen due to my stomach crying out for food: SORRY, YOU'VE HAD ENOUGH ALREADY.

I told my mom to get hot chocolate for me from the market and I'm hoping she'll buy the low cal kind, she usually does. She likes to see me get all excited about sugar-free foods? I don't know, don't ask, she gives mixed messages like a madman.



ohhai cute grl, can eye have yr bod?

Satan Wants His Stuff Back

I've been doing alright lately, under 700 cals everyday since last post, minus one day i spent with the boyfriend and my sister and her boyfriend (baking cookies, trips to the frozen aisle, it all spells disaster), and i'm constantly being inspired.

I was getting into a horrid habit of eating a lot right before i slept because it felt "comfortable". All i really need to fall asleep is Andrew. Really, the whole week he was sick I couldn't fall asleep because I was alone. I've always hated falling asleep by myself.

I'm meeting up with my (awful) ex-boyfriend on Thursday. Just getting a text from him today made my stomach drop and catch on fire and NOT in a good way. I can't believe this creature doesn't think he ever did anything to harm me. Really? You put me through hell with your empty threats of ending your life and blaming me? Really? You introduce to me this new world of drugs and danger and think you're helping? Really? You use your meth addiction as an excuse for everything and still lie about being clean? Really? You used so much of my money on gas and drugs because you never you had your own because a)you didn't have a job and b)any 2 cents you got your hand on you'd spend to pick up a fix. Really? And now you want your jackets back? You astound me.

I think I'm going to pick up smoking. It curbs appetite and my teeth are white enough and strong enough to handle it for a while.

Forever Young

Boyfriend is in the e.r with the flu
i miss him
one slice of toast and twenty-five grapes
everybody's too busy to accompany me to a hockey game i don't want to go to
i'm weak
diet dr.pepper instead of food
i'm learning
i'm cold
i love what i'm wearing today (pictures later?)
i want my fishyy to get better so i can lay with him
~~~
not going to the hockey game and my friend's coming over instead. My sister's team did good but they didn't place very high. I say WHO CARES, it's the first one, just work harder. I think that's why i couldn't be in cheer anymore, i don't compete hard enough to be the best. In anything. If i don't win my mindset is more "Oh well" than "What can I do to be better?" I just don't have that much passion for anything at the moment.

I skipped buying any junk food at the convention center. My dad even had me buy him a hot dog and a coke and i wasn't even tempted to get some nachos or chips or candy. GARBAGE, it's all garbage. Why shovel that shit into my mouth and feel worse? So i give myself a tiny applause for that. And i applaud myself again for not having a second plate of pasta that my mom warmed up and not adding seasoning to it to make it taste better which would've resulted in another helping AND for drinking soda instead of eating more and stepping out of the kitchen and aay from the danger zone. Seriously, just not being surrounded by food makes it less tempting to eat. My lazy fat ass is too lazy to get up and get a snack. I'll reach for this diet soda instead, thank you.

i love wearing heels. I love wearing wedges. I love dressing nice. It makes me feel so much better and, in some weird way, makes my appetite go away? Like i feel better about myself so i dont pity eat or feel like i need to stuff my face. I feel like, "i look good, i must ACT like i look good" if that makes ANY sense?

Still no word from Andrew about his status in the e.r. either he's still there or he's sleeping, that cute boy. I want to bring him a present or a surprise or something to make him feel better. He's the first boy that makes me want to go out of my way just to see that gorgeous smile on his face.

Can You Teach Me How to Feel?

If you burn your hand on a hot stove and you learn to never touch it again.
Why doesn't the same thing apply to how i feel after i binge?
It sucks, but i keep doing it.
It's the same goddamn cycle over and over again.
I get motivated, do really good, see results, let my self have an extra slice or an extra serving, i keep making excuses, i binge, i cry, i feel worthless, until i get motivated again.
I'm at my motivated stage now, let's see how long this will last and how long i'll let my stomch rumble.

I'm going to my sister's first cheer competition of the season tomorrow. I can usually sit through those feeling weak and tired. I'll sit there and watch all the skinny girls fly in the air and wish i could go back and be like that. I'll let the music pound through my airs and fill my head so no thoughts of food can enter. I'll have my boyfriend with me. He doesn't eat much, thank god, so i won't do any of my guilty eating where it's "if you eat, then i HAVE to eat" which is bullshit.
After the competition we'll probably go to dinner. Hopefully it's somewhere that doesn't have a lot of veggie-friendly items so i can just eat a salad. Or skip completely if me and Andrew drive separate from everyone else. Then it's the hockey game after that. Yeah, what the fuck, hockey? I know. It's a fundraiser or some shit. I'll just sit through that, numb. And freezing. I miss freezing. I'm taking cold showers from now on.

I almost made myself throw up in the shower today. Not even a mouthful came up but it's a start. I'm not wanting to be bulimic or anything but i just think it would be handy for super binges.

Sleep won't come easy tonight. I miss Andrew already and he feel asleep between the time i left his house to the time i got home and we usually fall asleep together on skype. Haha, sounds lame but i really can't handle falling asleep by myself. I hate being lonely, surprise.

weak, empty, light, flying

Dance 'til You're Dead

I thought that maybe just not caring about food would make things easier.
I thought that if i didnt make it a big deal then it wouldn't seem like a big deal.
I'm wrong, as always, and feel as fat as ever.
I seem to be at a plateau and i don't even know my weight.
My boyfriend has a scale in his bathroom that i stare at every time i'm in there
I'm scared to use it for some reason.
Like he'll be able to tell and ten find out everything.
I've told him abut my cutting.
I lied a bit, though. I said i used to when, if he looked closely, he could tell i still do.
I don't want to make him worry, i just don't want him to think i'm hiding anything.
And i know he'd support me through anything.
He's the best person in my life and the only being who makes me truly happy and carefree.



I need to get off my lazy ass and fucking get what i want, what i need, what i'd die for.

'Cause You're a Criminal As Long As You're Mine

Today went fairly well, liquids until dinner which were soy buffalo wings and then unexpected mac and cheese my mom decided to make. I didn't ask for it SO DONT MAKE IT. please.

i found that popcorn, the healthy pop kind, is a really good snack. 30cals for the whole bag! and it keeps my mouth busy with all the crunching. sometimes that's all i want, some crunch in my mouth ?

I need to buy gum, hydroxycut, rice cakes, more soy foods, find an adderral connect, get a gym pass, get a scale and! i'm! set!

skinny boys are my thinspo, i don't want to be bigger than my boyfriend.

i need a plan for tomorrow;
i have work from 11am-4pm
i can skip breakfast, and i believe i'll get a lunch somewhere in there
there's a robeks next door, i'll get that
just to keep my temper down
i get irritated when i'm so weak that i feel like i'm not there:p
so NO BREAKFAST & ROBEKS
then it's busy, busy, busy with my listening journal for class.
i'm ready<3

How You Got Me Blind is Still a Mystery

i'm fallng so fast and so hard for you
i can't get my grip on anything
time flies by and stands still
my heart feels like its about to burst
and only you can save me
and i trust you will save me
because i trust you more than anyone in my life
---
aunt's birthday today, thats means food, and lots of it.
luckily my mom made vegetarian versions of what she's serving for me and my best friend heather.
i MIGHT be able to invite my boyfriend over, but because of our recent "incident" at the house (my mom saw me straddling him and kissing in the computer room and she texted me, TEXTED ME!, to "get off of him now !!" -_-) he's on my mom's "shitlist". she never says the word shit. She's just trying to feel cool. Way to go, mom.
So my fingers are crossed that e can come, because my sister's boyfriend is coming and then hopefully heather's boyfriend will come too. What a cute bunch.

yesterdays menu was fairly good, had beans and rice for lunch that my mom made for me, and dinner didnt happen until around 8 when i got a veggie bowl at Chipotle. I stayed up until about 4 and "worked out" i guess? So i'm not too worried. Plus, i woke up looking a bit thinner, my hip bones are starting to come out !! {:

Today i had a slice of wheat toast with a slice of cheese (badddd!) and some hot cheetos-_- I'm drinking as many liquids as i can to flush that shit out.

Last night i told my boyfriend about how i "used to" cut myself. I still do, but haven't in a while. Thankfully it didn't scare him away. I told him because i didn't want him to see the scars and then ask and make it weird. Just thought i'd be honest about something for once. But, i'm always honest with him. There's nothing to lie about and nothing to hide. He doesn't even mind or ask questions about when my stomach growls. He makes it more like a joke and will put his ear to my stomach and say stuff like, "What's you say?" "Hello to you too!", cute stuff that makes me laugh and feel comfortable. He's tiny himself, TALL, but thin and i love it !!

Good luck to me today, birthday dinners are always the worst. Goal for the night? No dessert, no sweets, nothing. Just one meal when everyone else is eating, no second helpings, plenty of liquids.

xo

Don't Stop 'til You Get Enough

I give myself a high five for not raiding the kitchen after work like i tend to do
it was a long shift too
i needed comfort
BUT FOOD DOESNT EQUAL COMFORT
so i grabbed a few grapes, a piece of toast, and a huge mug of green tea to flush it out
how many caloies? i dont fucking care, as long as i stayed away from the cheese and pasta and peanut butter and hot cheetos and shiettttt in my kitchen.
thankyou, success! goodnight xo<3

All Dressed Up with Nowhere to Go

This morning i stayed in bed until my hunger pains went away
then i had a chewy bar on my way out to my boyfriends house
went to chipotle with him before class
after class i ate this fucking cheese dip and bread.
seriously?
nothing else.
i dont care that i have to go to work
i'll faint
i dont like it there anyways
boring as FUCK.
i'm looking for a new job even though ive only had this one for two weeks.
i onlgy got 4 hours to work this week
WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?
i need more moneyy.
and working with people is lame as shit. AH!

i know everything is perfect with us
because when i'm with you
i feel like all of my problems have diminished
and i dont have a care in the world
then i step back and see all of my stresses are still there
but when i'm with you i dont care

Fear is the Color You've All Exposed

i've been m.i.a lately, i know.
when i don't blog it's a sign i'm doing bad
and, surprise!, i'm doing bad

i do the same shit everytime
i feel disgusting, i break down, i do good for a few days and feel thin
and then BAM i give myself excuses to eat
i think "i've done really good, it wont kill me to eat this" "or this" "and this too"
until i'm back to feeling miserable about myself

so i'm sitting hear with a greedy stomach that, after being filled with food all day, still wants more.
sorry tummy, you cant have anything
you will never be full
you feel so much beter when youre empty
you're emptiness feels the rest of my body with weakness
and takes away almost every sensation, numbing me.

i need more thin
i need more drugs
i need more numb

Don’t It Look Like Baby Cupid Sending Arrows From Above

Not much to say about the past few days except that I've slipped a little. Woohoo..
Allz i gotsta say izzz, new thinspo:








beautyy<33
i'll keep her in mind anytime i dare to reach for a lethal snack.

Just Enough to Solve Your Problems, Too Much Will Kill You

Tonight i get to sleep at the boy's house, im HOPING we don't get pizza (his favorite) or Wendy's. I didn't exactly plan well this morning in case of such a disaster.
Woke up late for "math" (got dropped but didnt tell my mom so i spend the morning at the boy's house) so i got a late start. Ate about 120 cals of cereal. I met my friend at school and caught up with everything. I told her i wasn't eating meat anymore an she heard me wrong and said, "You're not eating anymore?!" Hah...yeah.
Came home and had lunch which was 3 spinach&artichoke ball things by morningstar which were 190 cals and a slice of wheat bread with an unnecessary piece of cheese on top making my total of lunch 390. Awesome-_-

Found a new thinspo. I never really liked her for no real reason, but now i envy angelina.

And It's Easy to Smoke It Up and Forget

Today was a fail.
No need to get into detail.
I'm sure it was over 1000.
I'll never learn.









and my personal favorite:

This Time, Baby, I'll Be Bulletproof

Woke up really motivated this morning because of last night's "disaster". Sister brought me a cookie and i ate some crackers.

Before going to the boy's house i had a slice of wheat bread with the tinyest bit of nutella on it and a chewy bar totaling around 200cals. We slept until 11am when i had to leave and luckly i told my mom i was at lunch with a friend so i came home and had an energy packet in a bottle water and called it a meal(:
I was reading the nutritional facts on a box of microwaveable popcorn we had and one bag was only 30cals! I thought there must be a lot of fat or sugar and here but no! 0g of each! So i popped myself a bag and put some in a sandwich bag for class for emergency if my stomach got loud and ate the rest of the bag on the way there. Stomach stayed silent(:
When i came home my mom told me she bought me vegan buffalo wings, this other vegan snack, and bean and cheese burritos. FINALLY she supports my vegetarianism! So i tried the buffalo wings which were 200cals per serving (5 wings) and it was filling!
I'm going to an outdoor mall with my friend so we can both avoid dinner and the cookies that are baking and walk around and be motivated and jolly and shaky and lalala{:
Today's Total: 430cals ; 4 bottles of water
i call that quite successful!
Oh and i finally fit into these long johns i bought 2 summers ago! I wore them last night(:
xoxo

Treat That Treats You So Mean, Covering Your Nights and Days

Went to bed at 4am last night (morning-_-) and got woken up by my sister a little before 7 to take her to school. And i haven't slept since then! I think the energy powder i put in my water made me stay awake, glad to know it works(:
breakfast consisted of 100cals worth of oatmeal that i waited to long to eat and got cold an nasty, who cares, and a glass of water.
My mom wanted to take me to get new pants for work so before we left i ate an apple(70cals) and a small almost cheese-less quesadilla(150) and i had those for several reasons: 1.didn't want my stomach rumbling around my mom 2.my first moments of hunger are when i get the most irritable and i didn't feel like starting a fight with her today (anyone else get irritable?) 3.hoping to get my mom to think that that was my lunch. But #3 was a fail. She wanted to get taco bell and i said okay because i knew she couldnt argue with me gettingsomething without meat. bean and cheese burrito anyone? 320 fucking calories.
No dinner for me tonight. I've had 2 more glasses of water already so hopefully this shit will flush right out.
Total:640
wow. what a fail.
I need to exercise tonight.
I need some pretty thinspo...















xoxo

I'm Vulnerable, You're Vulnerable

Family get-together's are never good news, food-wise.
But I'm proud to announce i did really well for being crowded by cookies, chips, crackers&cheese, meats, rice&beans, and sausage links.
Skipped breakfast.
Skipped lunch.
Dinner was half a cup of rice w/beans and 2 bites of salad
I don't know the cals for that, I'm guessing >200
Then i had a pickle (negative), a yogurt (110), and an orange (80).
todays total: ~390
Blegh, I could've done better.

I'm getting sick ):

But I'm really really HAPPY that I stayed away from the cookies! They're my favorite kind too! Well...they WERE my favorite kind. Not anymore{:
I'm getting stronger, I can feel it.

Flesh and Bone by the Telephone

Did fairly well today.
Day 2 of vegetarianism<3
Had a chewy bar (90) and special k crackers (90) for breakfast
Went to Chipotle at lunch with a boy, finished half (~210)
NO SNACKS
Dinner was 2 veggie sausage patties (160) and fruit (~80)
Grand Total: 630
Not Terrible.

I'm craving peanut butter SO bad right now ! And i have to stay up until one.
four. more. hours.
I'm watching the Saw movies to keep my mind occupied:p


Addison Gill

Teapot Robot

I must stay out of the kitchen.
I must stay away from the candy jar.
I must drink more water.
I must buy more diet pills.

I'm super motivated today, I've had no meat since breakfast and I plan to keep it that way. Hello veganism<3
meal plan:
breakfast-oatmeal
lunch-fruit smoothie
dinner-skip NO SNACKS.
I need to be 98 by Halloween !!

taylor momsennnn, be my wifeee{:<