If you burn your hand on a hot stove and you learn to never touch it again.
Why doesn't the same thing apply to how i feel after i binge?
It sucks, but i keep doing it.
It's the same goddamn cycle over and over again.
I get motivated, do really good, see results, let my self have an extra slice or an extra serving, i keep making excuses, i binge, i cry, i feel worthless, until i get motivated again.
I'm at my motivated stage now, let's see how long this will last and how long i'll let my stomch rumble.
I'm going to my sister's first cheer competition of the season tomorrow. I can usually sit through those feeling weak and tired. I'll sit there and watch all the skinny girls fly in the air and wish i could go back and be like that. I'll let the music pound through my airs and fill my head so no thoughts of food can enter. I'll have my boyfriend with me. He doesn't eat much, thank god, so i won't do any of my guilty eating where it's "if you eat, then i HAVE to eat" which is bullshit.
After the competition we'll probably go to dinner. Hopefully it's somewhere that doesn't have a lot of veggie-friendly items so i can just eat a salad. Or skip completely if me and Andrew drive separate from everyone else. Then it's the hockey game after that. Yeah, what the fuck, hockey? I know. It's a fundraiser or some shit. I'll just sit through that, numb. And freezing. I miss freezing. I'm taking cold showers from now on.
I almost made myself throw up in the shower today. Not even a mouthful came up but it's a start. I'm not wanting to be bulimic or anything but i just think it would be handy for super binges.
Sleep won't come easy tonight. I miss Andrew already and he feel asleep between the time i left his house to the time i got home and we usually fall asleep together on skype. Haha, sounds lame but i really can't handle falling asleep by myself. I hate being lonely, surprise.
Why doesn't the same thing apply to how i feel after i binge?
It sucks, but i keep doing it.
It's the same goddamn cycle over and over again.
I get motivated, do really good, see results, let my self have an extra slice or an extra serving, i keep making excuses, i binge, i cry, i feel worthless, until i get motivated again.
I'm at my motivated stage now, let's see how long this will last and how long i'll let my stomch rumble.
I'm going to my sister's first cheer competition of the season tomorrow. I can usually sit through those feeling weak and tired. I'll sit there and watch all the skinny girls fly in the air and wish i could go back and be like that. I'll let the music pound through my airs and fill my head so no thoughts of food can enter. I'll have my boyfriend with me. He doesn't eat much, thank god, so i won't do any of my guilty eating where it's "if you eat, then i HAVE to eat" which is bullshit.
After the competition we'll probably go to dinner. Hopefully it's somewhere that doesn't have a lot of veggie-friendly items so i can just eat a salad. Or skip completely if me and Andrew drive separate from everyone else. Then it's the hockey game after that. Yeah, what the fuck, hockey? I know. It's a fundraiser or some shit. I'll just sit through that, numb. And freezing. I miss freezing. I'm taking cold showers from now on.
I almost made myself throw up in the shower today. Not even a mouthful came up but it's a start. I'm not wanting to be bulimic or anything but i just think it would be handy for super binges.
Sleep won't come easy tonight. I miss Andrew already and he feel asleep between the time i left his house to the time i got home and we usually fall asleep together on skype. Haha, sounds lame but i really can't handle falling asleep by myself. I hate being lonely, surprise.
weak, empty, light, flying
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